SCENE ONE PRINCIPALS SCENE OPENS WITH FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM. MISS SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. LETS A LITTLE TALK WITH HER. MISS CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW. MISS BRIGGS SNAPS HER AND CARLY WALKS IN. PRINCIPAL HAVE A SEAT. CARLY WALKS OVER TO A SEAT IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS AND SITS IN IT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT SOME UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL. YES, I DID. MISS PUNK! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: BRIGGS! BRIGGS: IM CALM. PRINCIPAL CARLY, THIS FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH FRANKLIN BREAKS OUT LAUGHING. MISS ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD ONTO THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS? WELL, I PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OH NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS. NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER THIGHS AND A WIDER SNOUT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THE RHINOS HAD FAT THIGHS? CARLY: WELL, IF YOU PICTURE THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD TELL CARLY AND PRINCIPAL START ARGUING. MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS. CARLY: MY FATHERS STATIONED IN EUROPE NOW. PRINCIPAL HES IN THE MILITARY. MISS BRIGGS: THERE MUST BE SOME ADULT IN CHARGE OF HER! MY OLDER BROTHER, SPENCER. MISS OH, YES. THE ARTIST. CARLY: HES A ARTIST! PRINCIPAL OKAY, I DONT THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT? MISS (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE TALENT SHOW THIS YEAR. CARLY: YEAH, YOURE THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY. BRIGGS: NO. YOU ARE! CARLY: MISS BRIGGS: I WILL BE ENJOYING MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU TAPE THE FOR ME. MISS BRIGGS CARLY A PAPER AND CARLY TAKES IT. CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH LIVE AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY! BRIGGS: NOT ANYMORE. AW, COME ON! MISS BRIGGS: ITS YOU GET FOR TURNING ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS. RHINOCEROS. MISS (YELLING AND POINTING TO THE DOOR) GET OUT! RIGHT. CARLY HER STUFF AND LEAVES.
SCENE TWO HALLWAY SCENE OPENS WITH SAM A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND PUSHING HIM AGAINST A LOCKER. LET ME GO! SAM: SAY SORRY! IM SORRY. SAM: NOW ARE YOU SORRY FOR? KID: FOR YOURE IGGRESIVE! SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AGAIN AND CARLY INTO SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES. SAM: AND AM I AGAIN? KID: AND SWEET. SAM: THANK YOU. NOW THE TIME CARLY INTERUPTS BY PULLING HAIR OVER TO HER LOCKER. OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR! (ANGRY) HI! SAM: DID YOU GET IN CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU! SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN SUSPENDED ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE EXPELLED ME. CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) WELL AN IDEA. SAM: CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) STOP BAD THINGS! CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER AND SAM FOLLOWS. HEY, CHILL-AX! CARLY: I NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING KIDS AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW. NO WAY, GROSS. CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS YOUR TOO! ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV. CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME WOULD PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD. SAM: WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY FRIEND! GOOD TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU MINE? CARLY WALKS INTO A AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN. BECAUSE IM A LOVEABLE PERSON!
SCENE CARLYS APARTMENT SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE. FREDDIE: YOU THIS! TAKES THE WATER BOTTLE. UH, THANKS. BUT YOU FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT YOU. HEY! FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME? (LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO! FREDDIE. YES. CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET OVER THIS THING. FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM COOL LIVING WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN. OH GOD. CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER DOOR AND THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND. FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU NEED TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE AUDITIONS. CARLY: YEAH, BUT ILL USE MY BROTHERS. PULLS OUT HIS PHONE. FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU CHANGE MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS. CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW PHONE. YOU CAN HAVE IT! CARLY OPENS HER AND RUNS INSIDE. IM HOME. HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE. CARLY UP AT THE CEILING. IM TAKING SOME PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE! SPENCER CAMERA AT SCULPTURE AND TAKES A PICTURE. YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD. SPENCER: YOURE SAYING IM DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF! SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED THIS PIPE FALLS ON THE FLOOR AND SCREAMS. CARLY: I CANT YOURE IN CHARGE OF ME. SPENCER: PLEASE HELP ME UP. HELPS SPENCER UP. CARLY: ARE YOU SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I MY SHOULDER AGAIN. ONE SEC. SPENCER FALLS ON HIS LEFT AND GETS BACK UP. YEP! THAT FIXED HER. CARLY: GOOD. LISTEN, I A FAVOR. SHOOT. CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A BUCH OF AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY. FUN! CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BORROW VIDEOCAMERA. SPENCER: I AWESOME! THOUGH, I CANT. CARLY: WHY SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL. SPENCER: I MADE IT A SQUIRREL.
FOUR PART 1 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE. CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD! CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP. MORNING, CARLY. SEE YA IN A SEC. CARLY UP. FREDDIE! FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU OF MY EQUIPMENT? CARLY: I JUST ASKED TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE! FREDDIE BRINGS A TRAY OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR. HEY, YOU INVITED THE DOOF! SAM! FREDDIE PUTS ON TABLE. FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I DIDNT KNOW WAS GONNA BE HERE! SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL. BARELY. OOOHHH! FREDDIE: YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT. SAM: SO YOU I CANT TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER? FREDDIE: OH, SURE. JOKE THE WHITE-BALANCE TILL THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA! SAM WALKS TO FREDDIE AND CLEARS HER THROAT. SAM: CARLY WILL LOVE YOU FREDDIE: OKAY. THATS IT. IM TAKING MY AND IM GOING HOME. PICKS UP HIS CAMERA. CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) STAY! FREDDIE PUTS HIS DOWN. OKAY. SCENE FOUR 2 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE. HEY, JEB. READY TO AUDITION? JEB: YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A FRECH CALLED LE U E MAPHEME. SAM: WE DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING? FREDDIE ON HIS CAMERA. ROLLING. JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO? JEB A MUSTACHE ON. I DONT KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS OFF. JEB: WHEN WILL SHE BE JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON. I DONT KNOW! JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF. JEB: WELL CAN I FIND HER? JEB PUTS HIS ON. I TELL YOU, I DO NOT KNOW! JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP WHILE HE WALKS OFFSTAGE. SAM: WHAT YA CARLY: I KNOW! SAM: YOU DONT I TELL YOU I DO NOT KNOW! SAM: BUT YOU KNOW! CARLY: HOW CAN I KNOW IF I DO NOT SAM: I KNOW. SCENE FOUR PART 3 ROOM. SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP. SCENE FOUR 4 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK THEY ARE DISGUSTED. SCENE FOUR PART 5 AUDITIONS SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED. I WILL BE PLAYING THIS TRUMPET. COOL. NICE. TARAN: HOPPING ON THIS POGO-STICK. TARAN PICKS UP AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP. NICE! CARLY: NOW THATS WHAT IM ABOUT! SAM: AND BLOW-HO! SCENE FOUR PART 6 AUDITIONS SCENE OPENS WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING SOMETHING THE MICROPHONE. KID: THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THE DOG SAYS I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA! CARLY AND SAM START WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE. THANKS! CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING. SAM: NOT FUNNY. NO, NO, NOT AT ALL. SAM WALKS OVER TO THE AND CARLY STANDS UP. SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS MISS BRIGGS! CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESNT BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS! FREDDIE POINTS CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM WALKS TO CARLY. SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP THOSE? CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS LIKE SHE WAFFLE CONES IN HER BRA! SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE POKE AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS! OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. WEVE STILL GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE. SAM: OOH! CALM DOWN. IT CANT GET WORSE. SCENE PART 5 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS KID RAPPING HORRIBLY. AND I WAS WRONG. SCENE FIVE CARLYS AT NIGHT SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. WAKES UP. CARLY: (SLEEPY) HEY, SAM? WAKE UP! CARLY PUTS HER FOOT ON SAMS FACE AND SHE UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS. SAM: TIME IS IT? CARLY: LATE. YOURE MOM COMING TO PICK YOU UP? SHES NOT. I TOLD HER YOU INVITED ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT. CARLY: I INVITE YOU TO SPEND THE NIGHT! WELL YOU SHOULD CUZ IM NOT LEAVING. CARLY WALKS OVER TO THE AND STARTS TYPING. SAM: WHATCHA CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE. SAM: I HATE BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE CALLED ME A DEMON? (YELLING) NO! SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT THAT RAW IN HER PURSE CARLY: SHUT UP AND LOOK AT THIS! SAM WALKS OVER TO AT THE COMPUTER. WHAT? FREDDIE DIDNT UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS? CARLY: NO. HE US! WHAT? LOOK! SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS MAKING FUN OF MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS. THATS US! CARLY: IS! SAM: FREDDIE WASNT SUPPOSED TO US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY! LOOKS SCARED. CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS AND HER CRAZY POINTY BOOBS! SAM: WHOA! IF SHE THAT ANYONE CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE. OKAY, CHILL-AX. SAM AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: SEE THE ONLY 27 PEOPLE HAVE CLICKED ON IT. OH. OKAY, GOOD. CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. CARLY: SAM: (YELLING) THATS 27,000! SAM OUT OF CHAIR.