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SCENE ONE PRINCIPALS
SCENE OPENS WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS IN THE ROOM.
MISS BRIGGS: SHE IS OUTSIDE.
FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. LETS HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH HER.
MISS BRIGGS: CARLY, GET IN HERE. NOW.
MISS SNAPS HER FINGER AND CARLY WALKS IN.
FRANKLIN: HAVE A SEAT.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO A SEAT IN OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT FLYERS UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL.
YES, I DID.
MISS PUNK!
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: BRIGGS!
MISS IM CALM.
PRINCIPAL CARLY, THIS FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH
PRINCIPAL BREAKS OUT LAUGHING.
BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD ONTO THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS?
WELL, I
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OH NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
CARLY: NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER THIGHS AND A SNOUT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THOUGHT THE RHINOS HAD FAT
CARLY: WELL, IF YOU THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD REALLY TELL
CARLY AND FRANKLIN START ARGUING.
MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS.
CARLY: MY FATHERS IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW.
FRANKLIN: HES IN THE MILITARY.
MISS BRIGGS: THERE MUST BE SOME ADULT IN CHARGE OF HER!
MY OLDER BROTHER, SPENCER.
MISS OH, YES. THE ARTIST.
CARLY: HES A ARTIST!
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT?
MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE SHOW THIS YEAR.
CARLY: YEAH, HOLDING THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY.
MISS NO. YOU ARE!
HUH?
MISS BRIGGS: I WILL BE ENJOYING MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU THE AUDITIONS FOR ME.
MISS BRIGGS CARLY A PAPER AND CARLY TAKES IT.
CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH LIVE AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY!
BRIGGS: NOT ANYMORE.
CARLY: AW, ON!
MISS ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
RHINOCEROS.
MISS (YELLING AND POINTING TO THE DOOR) GET OUT!
RIGHT.
CARLY HER STUFF AND LEAVES.

SCENE TWO MAIN
SCENE OPENS WITH SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND PUSHING HIM A LOCKER.
LET ME GO!
SAM: SAY SORRY!
IM SORRY.
SAM: NOW WHAT ARE YOU SORRY
FOR SAYING YOURE IGGRESIVE!
SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AND CARLY WALKS INTO SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES.
SAM: AND AM I AGAIN?
KID: AND SWEET.
SAM: THANK YOU. NOW THE TIME
CARLY INTERUPTS BY PULLING HAIR OVER TO HER LOCKER.
OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR!
(ANGRY) HI!
SAM: DID YOU GET IN
CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU!
YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN SUSPENDED ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME.
CARLY: (IN A VOICE) WELL HERES AN IDEA.
SAM:
(ANGRY AGAIN) STOP DOING BAD THINGS!
CARLY OVER TO HER LOCKER AND SAM FOLLOWS.
HEY, CHILL-AX!
CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. KIDS AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW.
NO WAY, GROSS.
CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS YOUR TOO!
ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME WOULD PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD.
SAM: IS WHY YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND!
GOOD TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU MINE?
CARLY WALKS INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN.
SAM: BECAUSE IM A PERSON!

THREE CARLYS APARTMENT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE.
FREDDIE: YOU THIS!
CARLY TAKES THE BOTTLE.
UH, THANKS. BUT YOU
FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT YOU. HEY!
CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO HOME?
(LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO!
FREDDIE.
YES.
CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET OVER CRUSH THING.
FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY LIVING WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN.
OH GOD.
CARLY OVER TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND.
FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I YOU NEED TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS.
YEAH, BUT ILL JUST USE MY BROTHERS.
FREDDIE OUT HIS PHONE.
FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU CHANGE MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS.
CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW PHONE.
FREDDIE: YOU CAN IT!
CARLY HER DOOR AND RUNS INSIDE.
IM HOME.
HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE.
CARLY UP AT THE CEILING.
SPENCER: IM TAKING PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE!
SPENCER POINTS CAMERA AT SCULPTURE AND A PICTURE.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD.
SPENCER: SAYING IM ABNORMAL?
DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF!
SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED AROUND THIS
SPENCER ON THE FLOOR AND SCREAMS.
CARLY: I CANT YOURE IN CHARGE OF ME.
SPENCER: PLEASE ME STAND UP.
CARLY HELPS UP.
CARLY: ARE YOU
YEP! NOPE! I DISLOCATED MY SHOULDER AGAIN. ONE SEC.
SPENCER FALLS ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND GETS UP.
SPENCER: YEP! THAT HER.
GOOD. LISTEN, I NEED A FAVOR.
SHOOT.
CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A BUCH OF AUDITIONS AT ON SATURDAY.
FUN!
CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BORROW VIDEOCAMERA.
SPENCER: I
AWESOME!
THOUGH, I CANT.
CARLY: WHY
SPENCER STARTS AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA THATS DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL.
SPENCER: I IT INTO A SQUIRREL.

SCENE FOUR 1 AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE.
CARLY: I YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD!
CARLY IS BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED COMPUTER AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP.
MORNING, CARLY.
SEE YA IN A SEC.
CARLY UP.
FREDDIE!
FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU OF MY EQUIPMENT?
CARLY: I ASKED TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL THIS?
FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE!
FREDDIE BRINGS A TRAY TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR.
HEY, YOU INVITED THE DOOF!
SAM!
FREDDIE TRAY ON TABLE.
FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I DIDNT KNOW WAS GONNA BE HERE!
SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL.
BARELY.
OOOHHH!
FREDDIE: YOU JUST YOUR HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT.
SAM: SO YOU MEAN I CANT TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER?
FREDDIE: OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA!
SAM OVER TO FREDDIE AND CLEARS HER THROAT.
SAM: CARLY NEVER LOVE YOU
OKAY. THATS IT. IM TAKING MY STUFF AND IM GOING HOME.
FREDDIE UP HIS CAMERA.
(IN A SWEET VOICE) PLEASE STAY!
FREDDIE HIS CAMERA DOWN.
OKAY.
SCENE FOUR PART 2 ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS SET UP WITH THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE.
CARLY: HEY, JEB. READY TO
YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A FRECH PLAY CALLED LE U E MAPHEME.
SAM:
CARLY: WE DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING?
TURNS ON HIS CAMERA.
ROLLING.
JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO?
JEB A MUSTACHE ON.
I DONT KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS OFF.
JEB: WHEN WILL SHE BE
JEB PUTS HIS ON.
JEB: I KNOW!
JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF.
JEB: WELL CAN I FIND HER?
JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON.
I TELL YOU, I DO NOT KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM WHILE HE WALKS OFFSTAGE.
SAM: WHAT YA
CARLY: I KNOW!
SAM: YOU DONT
CARLY: I YOU I DO NOT KNOW!
SAM: BUT YOU KNOW!
HOW CAN I KNOW IF I DO NOT KNOW?
SAM: I KNOW.
FOUR PART 3 AUDITIONS ROOM.
SCENE OPENS GIRL ONSTAGE PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP.
SCENE FOUR PART 4 ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK THEY ARE DISGUSTED.
SCENE FOUR PART 5 AUDITIONS
SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND AND SAM LOOK TIRED.
I WILL BE PLAYING THIS TRUMPET.
COOL.
NICE.
TARAN: WHILE HOPPING ON POGO-STICK.
TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP.
NICE!
CARLY: NOW THATS WHAT IM ABOUT!
SAM: AND BLOW-HO!
SCENE FOUR PART 6 AUDITIONS
SCENE OPENS KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE.
KID: THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THE DOG SAYS I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA!
CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE.
THANKS!
CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING.
THATS NOT FUNNY.
NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
SAM OVER TO THE STAGE AND CARLY STANDS UP.
SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS!
CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESNT MISS BRIGGS CRAZY BOOBS!
POINTS CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY.
SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. IS UP WITH THOSE?
CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS LIKE SHE STUFFS CONES IN HER BRA!
SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE POKE AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS!
CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. WEVE GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE.
SAM: OOH!
CALM DOWN. IT CANT GET WORSE.
SCENE FOUR PART 5 ROOM
SCENE OPENS KID RAPPING HORRIBLY.
AND I WAS WRONG.
SCENE FIVE CARLYS AT NIGHT
SCENE WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP.
CARLY: (SLEEPY) SAM? HEY, WAKE UP!
CARLY HER FOOT ON SAMS FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS.
SAM: WHAT IS IT?
CARLY: LATE. WHENS YOURE MOM COMING TO YOU UP?
SAM: NOT. I TOLD HER YOU INVITED ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT.
CARLY: I DIDNT INVITE YOU TO THE NIGHT!
WELL YOU SHOULD CUZ IM NOT LEAVING.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO THE COMPUTER AND TYPING.
SAM: DOIN?
IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE.
SAM: I HATE BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE CALLED ME A DEMON?
(YELLING) NO!
SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT THAT RAW IN HER PURSE
SHUT UP AND COME LOOK AT THIS!
SAM OVER TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: WHAT? DIDNT UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS?
NO. HE UPLOADED US!
SAM:
LOOK!
SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS.
SAM: US!
CARLY: IS!
SAM: FREDDIE SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY!
CARLY SCARED.
OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER CRAZY POINTY BOOBS!
SAM: WHOA! IF SHE SEES
CARLY: CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE.
OKAY, CHILL-AX.
SAM AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 PEOPLE CLICKED ON IT.
OH. OKAY, GOOD.
CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM?
SAM:
(YELLING) THATS 27,000!
SAM OUT OF CHAIR.