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SCENE ONE OFFICE
SCENE OPENS WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM.
MISS SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. LETS HAVE A TALK WITH HER.
BRIGGS: CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW.
MISS BRIGGS SNAPS HER FINGER AND CARLY IN.
PRINCIPAL HAVE A SEAT.
WALKS OVER TO A SEAT IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT SOME UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL.
YES, I DID.
MISS PUNK!
FRANKLIN: MISS BRIGGS!
MISS IM CALM.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: CARLY, THIS FLYER, ITITIT, IS UH
PRINCIPAL BREAKS OUT LAUGHING.
MISS ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD ONTO THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS?
WELL, I
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: RHINOCEROS? OH NO, NO, NO. YOU HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
CARLY: NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HAS FATTER THIGHS AND A WIDER SNOUT.
PRINCIPAL I THOUGHT THE RHINOS HAD FAT THIGHS?
WELL, IF YOU PICTURE THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD REALLY TELL
CARLY AND PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN ARGUING.
MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS.
CARLY: MY FATHERS IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW.
PRINCIPAL HES IN THE MILITARY.
MISS BRIGGS: WELL THERE MUST BE ADULT IN CHARGE OF HER!
MY OLDER BROTHER, SPENCER.
MISS OH, YES. THE ARTIST.
CARLY: HES A ARTIST!
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT?
MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN OF THE TALENT SHOW THIS YEAR.
CARLY: YEAH, HOLDING THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY.
MISS NO. YOU ARE!
HUH?
MISS I WILL BE ENJOYING MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME.
MISS BRIGGS GIVES A PAPER AND CARLY TAKES IT.
CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH LIVE AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY!
BRIGGS: NOT ANYMORE.
CARLY: AW, ON!
BRIGGS: ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
RHINOCEROS.
MISS (YELLING AND POINTING TO THE DOOR) GET OUT!
RIGHT.
CARLY HER STUFF AND LEAVES.

TWO MAIN HALLWAY
SCENE OPENS WITH SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS AND PUSHING HIM AGAINST A LOCKER.
LET ME GO!
SAM: SAY SORRY!
IM SORRY.
SAM: NOW WHAT ARE YOU FOR?
FOR SAYING YOURE IGGRESIVE!
SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AGAIN AND CARLY WALKS SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES.
SAM: AND WHAT AM I
PRETTY AND SWEET.
SAM: YOU. NOW THE NEXT TIME
CARLY INTERUPTS BY PULLING HAIR OVER TO HER LOCKER.
OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR!
(ANGRY) HI!
SAM: DID YOU GET IN
CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU!
SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME.
(IN A SWEET VOICE) WELL HERES AN IDEA.
SAM:
(ANGRY AGAIN) STOP DOING BAD THINGS!
CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER AND SAM FOLLOWS.
HEY, CHILL-AX!
CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE HERE. VIDEOTAPING KIDS AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW.
NO WAY, GROSS.
CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS YOUR TOO!
ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME WOULD PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD.
SAM: WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY FRIEND!
GOOD TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU MINE?
CARLY WALKS INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN.
SAM: BECAUSE IM A PERSON!

SCENE CARLYS APARTMENT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE.
YOU DROPPED THIS!
CARLY THE WATER BOTTLE.
UH, THANKS. BUT YOU
FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT I FIND YOU. HEY!
CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME?
(LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO!
FREDDIE.
YES.
CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET THIS CRUSH THING.
FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY COOL LIVING WITH THAT PAIN.
OH GOD.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT AROUND.
FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU NEED TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE AUDITIONS.
YEAH, BUT ILL JUST USE MY BROTHERS.
FREDDIE OUT HIS PHONE.
FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU CHANGE MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS.
HEY, YOU GOT A NEW CELL PHONE.
FREDDIE: YOU CAN IT!
CARLY OPENS HER DOOR AND INSIDE.
IM HOME.
HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE.
CARLY UP AT THE CEILING.
SPENCER: IM TAKING PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE!
SPENCER POINTS AT SCULPTURE AND TAKES A PICTURE.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD.
SPENCER: YOURE SAYING IM
CARLY: DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET FROM THERE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF!
SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED THIS PIPE
SPENCER FALLS ON THE AND SCREAMS.
CARLY: I CANT BELIEVE YOURE IN OF ME.
SPENCER: PLEASE HELP ME UP.
HELPS SPENCER UP.
CARLY: ARE YOU
YEP! NOPE! I DISLOCATED MY SHOULDER AGAIN. ONE SEC.
SPENCER FALLS ON HIS SHOULDER AND GETS BACK UP.
YEP! THAT FIXED HER.
CARLY: GOOD. LISTEN, I A FAVOR.
SHOOT.
CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A BUCH OF AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY.
FUN!
CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS IF I COULD BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA.
SPENCER: I
AWESOME!
THOUGH, I CANT.
CARLY: WHY
SPENCER LAUGHING AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA THATS DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL.
SPENCER: I MADE IT A SQUIRREL.

SCENE FOUR PART 1 ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY WALKING IN THE ON THE PHONE.
I TOLD YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD!
CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED COMPUTER AND SET UP.
MORNING, CARLY.
SEE YA IN A SEC.
CARLY UP.
FREDDIE!
FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU OF MY EQUIPMENT?
CARLY: I JUST TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL THIS?
WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE!
FREDDIE A TRAY OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR.
SAM: HEY, YOU THE DOOF!
SAM!
FREDDIE PUTS ON TABLE.
AW, MAN! I DIDNT KNOW THAT WAS GONNA BE HERE!
SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL.
BARELY.
OOOHHH!
FREDDIE: YOU JUST KEEP YOUR OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT.
SAM: SO YOU MEAN I CANT TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR CAMCORDER?
FREDDIE: OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA!
SAM WALKS OVER TO AND CLEARS HER THROAT.
SAM: WILL NEVER LOVE YOU
FREDDIE: OKAY. THATS IT. IM MY STUFF AND IM GOING HOME.
FREDDIE UP HIS CAMERA.
CARLY: (IN A VOICE) PLEASE STAY!
FREDDIE HIS CAMERA DOWN.
OKAY.
SCENE FOUR PART 2 ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP WITH THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE.
CARLY: HEY, JEB. READY TO
JEB: YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A PLAY CALLED LE U E MAPHEME.
OKAY
CARLY: WE KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING?
TURNS ON HIS CAMERA.
ROLLING.
JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO?
JEB A MUSTACHE ON.
I DONT KNOW!
JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF.
JEB: WHEN SHE BE BACK?
JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON.
I DONT KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS OFF.
WELL WHERE CAN I FIND HER?
JEB PUTS HIS ON.
JEB: I YOU, I DO NOT KNOW!
JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP WHILE HE WALKS OFFSTAGE.
SAM: YA THINK?
CARLY: I KNOW!
SAM: YOU KNOW?
I TELL YOU I DO NOT KNOW!
SAM: BUT YOU KNOW!
HOW CAN I KNOW IF I DO NOT KNOW?
SAM: I KNOW.
FOUR PART 3 AUDITIONS ROOM.
SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT IS ASLEEP.
SCENE FOUR PART 4 ROOM
SCENE OPENS ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED.
SCENE FOUR PART 5 ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED.
TARAN: I BE PLAYING THIS TRUMPET.
COOL.
NICE.
TARAN: WHILE ON THIS POGO-STICK.
TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP.
NICE!
CARLY: NOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT!
SAM: AND BLOW-HO!
SCENE FOUR PART 6 AUDITIONS
SCENE OPENS WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING INTO THE MICROPHONE.
KID: THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU TO BRING HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG SAYS I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA!
CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE.
THANKS!
CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING.
SAM: NOT FUNNY.
NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
SAM WALKS TO THE STAGE AND CARLY STANDS UP.
SAM: WELL THAT. CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS!
CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT HE DOESNT MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS!
FREDDIE POINTS CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM OVER TO CARLY.
SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. IS UP WITH THOSE?
CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS LIKE SHE STUFFS CONES IN HER BRA!
SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE COULD AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS!
CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. WEVE STILL GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) ELEVEN TO SEE.
OOH! ELEVEN?
CARLY: CALM DOWN. IT GET WORSE.
SCENE FOUR PART 5 ROOM
OPENS WITH KID RAPPING HORRIBLY.
AND I WAS WRONG.
SCENE FIVE APARTMENT AT NIGHT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP.
CARLY: (SLEEPY) SAM? HEY, SAM? UP!
CARLY PUTS HER FOOT ON SAMS AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
CARLY: LATE. WHENS MOM COMING TO PICK YOU UP?
SAM: SHES NOT. I TOLD HER YOU INVITED ME TO THE NIGHT.
CARLY: I DIDNT INVITE YOU TO THE NIGHT!
WELL YOU SHOULD CUZ IM NOT LEAVING.
CARLY WALKS TO THE COMPUTER AND STARTS TYPING.
WHATCHA DOIN?
CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS WATCH THEM ONLINE.
I HATE MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE CALLED ME A DEMON?
(YELLING) NO!
SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT RAW CHICKEN IN HER PURSE
CARLY: SHUT UP AND COME AT THIS!
SAM WALKS OVER TO AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: WHAT? FREDDIE UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS?
NO. HE UPLOADED US!
SAM:
LOOK!
SAM A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS.
SAM: US!
CARLY: IS!
SAM: FREDDIE WASNT TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY!
CARLY SCARED.
CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER CRAZY POINTY BOOBS!
SAM: WHOA! IF SHE SEES
ANYONE CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE.
OKAY, CHILL-AX.
SAM AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 HAVE CLICKED ON IT.
OH. OKAY, GOOD.
CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
CARLY:
SAM:
CARLY: (YELLING) 27,000!
SAM OUT OF CHAIR.